Blame it on the book, Siddartha, but I've had a moment of "om" lately regarding life that has constantly been bringing me back to the idea of purpose as the framework in which to explain my life in the past, my current iteration, and the yet unknown future.
I understand and embrace more clearly today than ever before why I was a "man of the cloth" for six odd (or does that make it even?) years in the past, had unwavering conviction that I was called and destined to be in Christian ministry, and thought at the time that I would have a lifelong journey of laughing, crying, marrying, burying and working alongside people in a church.
I'm also completely settled with the idea that I have not an iota of desire nor an ounce of "conviction" to return to such a holy calling. Does that mean I heard God incorrectly the first time? Or is it the inner Luke Skywalker in me, rebelling against the claim that I know to be true deep in my heart? Or is it all the liberal indoctrination i have undergone (which ironically started in seminary) that has completely put me out of touch with status quo evangelical orthodoxy? I know I'm not the only Gen Xer out there unhappy with the way things have gone, nostalgic of the carefree, angst ridden times epitomized by Nirvana and Doc Martens boots, and still confused about whether to join the man, become the man, or run away from the man.
I'm considering writing a book in the maybe-not-so-near future: Confessions of an Ex-Pastor. I've googled the title and it seems there aren't too many out there, and the few on the web seems to be a veiled guise for a rebellion against "big box mega church" American Christianity and a push for the house church movement.
Mine won't be a secret push for an agenda towards another church model or a hipster version on ye old time religion. Rather, it will be a cathartic release and an ode to Ex-Christians, borderline Christians, and recovering Christians alike. Dave Eggers and Chuck Klosterman and a dash of Jack Kerouac will be my inspiration.
New York Times best seller list? Or Borders' super sale clearance bin?